Time to Dishonorably Discharge Joe

Review: G.I. Joe Retaliation

Think really hard; can you really even remember anything about the first G.I. Joe film? Channing Tatum was in it, sure, and maybe you have some vague recollection about the Eiffel Tower collapsing amidst a swirling cloud of green... something... (it was "nanomites"). Fret not, I - and the rest of the world, most likely - are in the same boat.

The studio clearly recognized the first movie's issues of camp, lack of logic and plausibility, and overall vapidness, so they brought in director Jon Chu with the hopes of turning to a serious page in G.I. Joe cinematic legacy. Why they thought the helmer of two Step Up films (a series which I actually do sort of like) and the Justin Bieber documentary would give their film quality street cred is beyond me.

Needless to say, it didn't work.

G.I. Joe Retaliation has the same unstimulating and sporadic troubles of its predecessor. Allow me to share the two funniest (although accurate) quotes from the rating website, RottenTomatoes:

"Ever played a video game with a friend and had to sit there while he hogged it, leaving you to do nothing but watch for what seemed like hours?" (Bill Goodykoontz).

"As disjointed and frenetic as a Saturday morning cartoon from Japan, GI Joe: Retaliation could very well bring out your inner child, in addition to your inner child's attention deficit disorder" (Katherine Monk).

There are so many unexplained subplots in Retaliation you really can't engage with the film, but rather lean back, shrug, and watch dispassionately as the explosions light up the screen with no real affect. A subplot between ninjas Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow is particularly indicative of these problems. Perhaps it was an extension of something in the first film - I really couldn't tell you - but apparently they hate each other for some reason, but don't want to, but fight each other anyways, but aren't against working together? It is as messy as it sounds.

And I'm sorry, but in my mind Dwayne Johnson (Snitch) just can't hold an entire movie on his shoulders as the main character, no matter how steroid-pumped up his shoulders might be. The rest of his unknown supporting cast also do nothing to further establish themselves, so expect them to remain unknown for now. This is of course, with the exception of Bruce Willis (Die Hard), who at this point is just playing the same guy in every film, so I'll leave it up to you if you like that or not.

Overall, Retaliation is a ridiculous, over-the-top jumble. I don't mind cheese that takes itself seriously in small doses, or corniness that purposefully winks at the camera in its melodrama, but cheese that refuses to recognize its own hackneyed existence and stubbornly demands serious consideration is insufferable.

G.I. Joe Retaliation is such a film. No worse than the first film, but in no way better. It's admittedly a little fun, but really only good if you have no other way to pass the time.

The Final Word: 1/4 - No need to ever see it.