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I can't seem to put myself on the page

If I am too afraid to put on paper what is in my heart

What does that say about my heart?

Why do I fear the page as much as I fear my friends?

Secrets told to friends would be shameful

But secrets told to a page – nothing

Yet I can’t do it

Why, why do I fear the page?

My friends could find it, sure

Pull it up when they borrow my computer

That’s not it

I think I’m afraid I will find it

Stumble across it one day

Listening to music, thinking about television

When all of a sudden I’d be face to face with me

A reflection is not easily turned away from

Like when you walk by a mirror you didn’t know was there

You stop to look

But I choose what to look at in a mirror

The page with my fears offers no illusions or distractions

I’m not willing to face me

Not if I have to face all of me

It’s much easier to listen to music, think about television

It’s also much more cowardly

What type of person refuses to confront their fears?

Well, most people I imagine

But what type of standard is that?

An ideal me, the me in my dreams, would accept the me on the page

The me in my dreams would read the page

Re-read the page

Accept the page

Respond to the page

Frame the page

Remember the page

Be inspired by the page

But I am not the me in my dreams

I still fear the page

I fear the me on the page

If I were the me on the page, I’d have many more problems, many less friends, much more uncertainty.

I don’t want to be the me on the page

I want to be the me in my dreams

As it stands, I’m neither

I’m okay with not being the me of my dreams

I’m realistic like that

But I’m not okay with being the me on the page

I’m naïve like that

So when I go out, people see a distorted view of me

A me trying so hard to ignore the me on the page

Of course, the page could be rewritten

The me on the page could become the me in my dreams

First, I’ll probably have to meet the me on the page

The real me

I’ll have to read the page

And re-read it, accept it, respond to it, frame it, remember it, be inspired by it

I’ll have to write that page first

And I’m still scared to

Maybe writing about the page will help me one day actually write the page

Maybe one day I’ll get out of my head and onto the page and into my dreams